Hostages: Revision #1


Hey fellow BookNerds, following all the comments on my original story, I have revised and re-written. I will tag all the people who commented and ask for their opinions now, feel free to post your opinion.

 

Hostages

I sit down at my dresser and stare into the mirror. I smile, slip on my heels, adjust my glasses and rush downstairs. My mum sees me and exclaims in joy “You look amazing” she smiles and then stops talking, just eying me up and down. I stand there awkwardly for a second, “I have to go now, I love you mum” I rush, and fly out the door, my dress flailing behind me.

Asher my date gives me a ride to the school dance. As we pull up at the school I can already hear the school band playing an ancient Beatles Song. We get out of the car and walk up to the school’s entrance. Couples are waltzing onto the dance floor. Asher creeps up behind me and hugs me from behind, making me jump. “Well, hello there Miss Tuft, would you care for this dance? He asks bowing before me and taking my hand and kissing it extravagantly. Everyone then turns their attention to us and I blush and pull my hand away. “Yes, you may Mr. Sullivan” I said, smiling as he grinned and led me to the dance floor. Suddenly without warning, loud gunshots rang out in the air and everyone screamed. The scene was one of chaotic confusion as people ran, some falling as they were hit.

I turned in horror as Asher’s eyes glazed. He crumbles to the floor like a rag doll, the light leaving his eyes, and the blood began to seep through his crisp white shirt. My first instinct is to sweep Asher into an embrace and bring him back to life. But instead I stand there mortified as I stare at Asher’s body. More gunshots ring out and people fall to the floor like odd dominoes that can’t stand upright. I see every one else running and then I start running, my heart pounds, my feet slam against the floor.

As I get to the hallway I try to decide where to go. My brain is fuzzy as I hear more people screaming. I stop for a second and decide to head for the P.E lockers. I skid down the hallway towards the changing rooms. I burst in the room and look for a locker. There’s one in the corner that just about looks like I can fit into. I squash myself in there, it reeks of sweaty socks and body odor but I couldn’t really care less. I’m in there for hours. After a while I’m startled by the sound of the bang on the locker. Somebody’s trying to see if the locker is hollow or not. I hope it’s the police or a fellow classmate, but as the door is yanked open I see it’s not, it’s the man himself, a gun in his hand and alcohol on his breath.

He pulls me out and sits me down on the bench. he slaps me across the face and spits at my feet. I begin to cry, my mascara runs down my cheeks, I put my hands in my lap and look at him. He has olive skin and dark curly hair, one piercing green eye and a dark brown one. “My daughter went missing years ago” he sprays, his voice choking up “She was bullied and didn’t want to be here any more. She came to this school and now we can’t find her she’s missing, my little girl… Her name was Brianna Evans.” He begins to sob “I’m gonna make sure that girls like you know what you did to her!”
I think really hard and search my brain for a Brianna Evans. My brain clicks and I remember her. My friends bullied her, taunted her for her looks, her family even her boyfriend. I had left my friends when they started and tried to help Brianna but she refused.
“I tried to help Brianna!” I say exasperated “I tried to stop my friends from bullying her.”
“You liar! If you actually did help her she would have come back to us, she is gone…” he shouts fiercely
“No I couldn’t, the help I gave her obviously didn’t work, she needed help from an adult!” I wail, ” Please don’t kill me, I can help you, please, please…” I murmur over and over again.
He holds the gun to my head as I burst out into hysterical tears. I pray in my brain, I scream to god that I will be a better person, that I will become his follower. The man fingers the trigger, he strokes it. Suddenly a gun shot rings out and my life is all hazy, I’m not sure if I’m dead or not.

As things become a little clearer I see the man on the floor, he gives me a flashback of what happened to Asher and I begin to shake. The police had got to him and shot him but the bullet ricocheted and hit me in the shoulder. My shoulder stings and I feel light and drowsy. Before I black out I remember Asher and pull myself out of it to see him again. I see the policewoman at the door beckoning me out, there’s lots of shouting and running around. The policewoman puts a blanket round my shoulders and leads me out through the main school hall. I see bodies all over the floor, being bagged up and taken for autopsies. I run over to Asher as they’re about to bag him up and bat them away. I stroke his tie and take his wallet, phone and corsage, for his family to keep and plant a kiss on his lips before they wheel him away. As I’m lifted into the ambulance I see the other hostages, some have injuries and some are guilt-ridden. I know one thing now, that nobody kills for the right reason and that man took away Asher’s and the thirty three other students for a reason whether it was right or not.

 

Thank you for reading 🙂 🙂

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27 thoughts on “Hostages: Revision #1

  1. Well done! This is really great writing. The only suggestion I would make (and only because you asked!) is that with this kind of content – high tension, extreme circumstances – try a version where your narrator talks through the physical sensations, let us experience what is happening to them in the moment, find the immediacy of the action that’s occurring.
    I look forward to reading more of your work! 🙂

  2. All I have to say is “Wow”.
    I could never imagine anything like this happening (even though I know it does happen). I truly hope this is just fictional writing as reading it made me feel that it was a personal recount of a traumatic event.
    A great piece of writing.

    • Oh yes it is purely fictional, sorry to scare you! Woah I didn’t think people would think its real. That’s amazing, not that it would actually happen but that its a believable piece of writing. Wow especially since I’m just a teenager! Thanks for reading anyway.☺

  3. Wonderful piece of writing. You’ve kept it precise and to the point. It was an interesting read. Might I suggest something? You should look more into character detailing. And thank you for checking out my stuff at ramprabakar,wordpress.com. Keep in touch (y)

  4. Writing is rewriting as I’m told over and over again…and for me it’s the best part. Only you know when it’s set to sail. I love the imagery and all the detail, like the ancient Beatle song is the one that comes to mind. Every reader will hear a different one. For me it was, I Saw You Standing There. Have you read Anne Lamott’s book on writing, Bird By Bird? I do once a year. She’s a great pal for any woman writer. Just write…don’t worry about the outcome.

  5. Okay so I read it, and I loved it. It thrills me when there are teenagers like me who actually dare to write, and I know all the thought processes that go behind it. Therefore, I can honestly say that I loved it. It’s an amazing plot line. I wish you had given a little more background to the characters, but that’s just from a reader’s perspective. Your writing style, the way you’ve connected the events…they’re all fabulous. Great job! And please keep me informed about any future stories you write. I want to read 😀 Love, Meenakshi.

  6. I really loved your story. The overall story in this version is already way better than in your first version. The details you added are very good, you get a real sense of how this person is feeling. It feels like this has actually happened which I hope isn’t the case. Furthermore I could really feel the chemistry between the main character and her date Asher especially at the end when she was saved and ran towards him.
    I have corrected some spelling mistakes and mistakes in sentence structure (or the way the sentence flows) since that is what you asked for. I’ve been a bit more critical since you want to enter this in a competition so I also corrected somethings into things that I think would either sound more beautiful or make more impact:
    – in this sentence: He asks bowing before me and taking my hand and kissing it extravagantly. (i would leave away the first and, if you put a comma there the sentence flows better.)
    – you misspelled everyone
    – in this sentence: There’s one in the corner that just about looks like I can fit into. (I would change the sentence structure of this to make it flow better e.g There’s one in the corner that looks like I can just fit into.)
    – in sentence: He has olive skin and dark curly hair, one piercing green eye and a dark brown one. (There needs to be a comma in between piercing and green. Also I think you meant to write a green eye instead of green eye otherwise the sentence is not correct grammar-wise)
    – you misspelled anymore
    – In this sentence: I think really hard and search my brain for a Brianna Evans (I would leave out “I think really hard” and just say I began searching my brain for a Brianna Evans.)
    – you misspelled gunshot
    – in this sentence: that man took away Asher’s and the thirty three other students for a reason whether it was right or not. (it says Asher’s but it doesn’t say Asher’s what so I would either say Asher’s life or just say took away Asher , I prefer the second option. Also it said the thirty three other students, I would leave the word “the” away because it reads easier like that.)
    I think if you keep writing this detailed, with this much feeling and if you take a good look at your sentence structure, you have found a real talent in yourself! I can’t wait to read more of your stories and if you need anymore help with grammar, sentence structure or spelling just ask 🙂 I hope you win the competition. Ps I think that the last line is the most beautiful line ever!

    • Oh thank you! Especially the grammar checking that will help a lot. Thanks for the help, I will definitely ask for your spelling, grammar and sentence structure when I post another story. ☺

  7. By the way, these things I pointed out may seem like a lot but most of them are just small enhancements to make your story flow better. And since I’m a writer myself I was probably more critical than most people. I hope you don’t mind because it’s constructive criticism and only meant in a positive way. Furthermore I’d like to ask you if you ever find any errors or think of any enhancements for one of my stories please let me know via a comment 😀

  8. I like the way you embrace action and you have some nice turns of phrase throughout the piece. It’s an exciting (and scary) scene!
    Just a couple of thoughts I had. Maybe do a bit of editing on the grammar and punctuation. Also, I wondered if you could build up the tension a bit before the hostage situation starts, perhaps by a bit more inner reflection from the protagonist (why she’s excited about the dance, what she feels about Asher). I think that would make the violence even more shocking.
    Thanks for commenting on my blog and keep going with your writing! You’re very good already 🙂

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